


grow

by jinkistarlight



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Drabble, Fluff, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, i wrote all of this at like 2am please, kind of, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-22 15:24:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16600553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinkistarlight/pseuds/jinkistarlight
Summary: renjun grows and grows and grows, infinitely, even though he doesn't know it.or: a character study of sorts





	grow

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by that one time renjun said he sort of wished he was a little more like chenle, who wakes up every day with a smile on his face, as well as that time he said that he's content with how he is now.

renjun is a person who has to remind himself to be happy.

it’s not that he _isn’t_ happy _—_ quite the contrary, really—but he finds joy in the little things, and sometimes they’re so fleeting that he needs to actively seek out more than what the world naturally has to offer him. that’s why he started doing the whole “renjun is the light of the world” thing when it was time to turn on the lights (even when all of his friends made fun of him), and why his well-loved journal is practically falling apart at its leather-bound seams. he admires the world in a way that most others don’t, but that only keeps the smile on his face for so long. sometimes, when he gets too in his head and the bad overtakes the good, he feels like he’s breaking just a little bit, and it’s bearable until it isn’t and he’s holding back a sob so that his roommate doesn’t stir in his sleep.

sometimes renjun wishes he were more like chenle.

chenle is loud and silly and gives himself entirely to everything he loves, and renjun admires that because chenle has _so much_ love to give. he’s smiling from the moment he wakes up and doesn’t stop until he’s fast asleep, and sometimes renjun wishes he could be like that. only sometimes, though, because being the physical embodiment of sunshine and shooting stars seems to him more exhausting than glorious. it works for chenle because chenle is _chenle_ and things just _work_ when you’re chenle, but renjun is decidedly very renjun, and that’s okay even when it hurts.

jeno likes renjun even when he’s not happy. they’ve been roommates for what feels like three lifetimes, and they work in a way that their friends can’t quite comprehend. it’s like clockwork with just a touch of magic, and it’s as impressive as it is terrifying when they seem to read each other’s minds just by breathing the same air. renjun can tell when jeno’s stunning smile lacks its luster and jeno can tell when renjun’s brain is running rampant, and they find comfort in the understanding. jeno likes renjun because, even when he’s not happy, he gives his all to jeno in a way that jeno never would be able in his own sadder moments. jeno thinks renjun is strong even when he isn’t and beautiful even when he’s grimacing, and renjun doesn’t even know because, as well versed as he is in all things jeno, he hasn’t really mastered himself yet.

renjun likes jeno because jeno is not what he seems. people always say renjun is thoughtful and a little quiet, passionate in a softer sense than the typical and infinitely inquisitive. those people are correct—at least renjun thinks so—but when they try to analyze jeno in the same way, they come out a little off. yes, jeno is kind and considerate and smiley, but he’s also the master of horrible puns and shameless appeal. he smiles even when he doesn’t mean it because he knows it’s always convincing to everyone but renjun, and he values other people’s happiness more than his own even when he shouldn’t. he gets shy easily and plays things off like they’re no big deal even when they mean the world to him. he has more depth than renjun ever could have guessed, and every new discovery feels a little like finding a treasure chest.

maybe falling in love with jeno should have been expected. renjun’s notebook is full of jeno, but it’s also full of mark and donghyuck and jaemin and chenle and jisung and everyone he cares about, so he doesn’t know if that _really_ means anything. maybe the staring should be a dead giveaway, or perhaps the sweatshirts stolen solely for smell (“it’s warmer than mine!” he claims, but he suspects they both know it’s a lie). the cuddling should tip him off, too, because yes, jeno likes to cuddle (even though he won’t ever admit it), but not _that_ much, especially when it won’t get him anything extra.

jeno, on the other hand, has always known he was in love with renjun, which he thinks is a little embarrassing, because when they first met renjun was little more than a sharp-tongued transfer student that laughed at jeno when he said something particularly idiotic (which was, unfortunately, sort of a lot). still, jeno had been enamored even then, and his little crush had escalated unfathomably over the years. jeno knew it was love just as he knew the sun was warm and the sky was blue and people grew; it simply _was_ , and he quite liked the way the words _i love renjun_ sounded as they resounded off his lips.

he hadn’t meant to say them out loud, though—at least, not in front of renjun (because he kind of, sort of says it all the time in the privacy of his own bedroom, where he can be disgustingly in love without fear of repercussions), but it had slipped out as easily as the realization had come, and he would be forced to face the reality of it.

fortunately for jeno, renjun is no fool, and he is well aware that jeno is the more embarrassing one out of the two of them, so he’s never been afraid to speak honestly in jeno’s presence. so renjun tells jeno that he loves him, too, and that jeno looks cute when he’s flustered, and jeno retaliates by grabbing renjun’s face and bringing him close for a searing kiss that leaves both boys breathless and rosy-cheeked.

jeno never shuts up about how amazing renjun is, and everyone kind of hates him for it, but they also can’t disagree, because no matter how whipped jeno is, he is _always_ right about renjun. he praises renjun so much that renjun almost can’t escape the compliments, and it forces him to think a little harder than he ever has about himself.

he does a lot of thinking, actually, and the proof is in the protruding pages of his beloved journal. it sags under the weight of forcibly-inserted photographs and harshly-scribbled lettering, and it’s beautiful in its disorder. the journal carries all the things that make renjun happy, and eventually, it includes little more friend than renjun. the more thinking he does, the more he finds he quite likes renjun, and he wishes he had done some self-reflecting earlier on in life because that would have made the ordeal a little less complicated.

renjun grows and grows and grows, infinitely, even though he doesn’t know it.

eventually, he stops wishing to be more like chenle, because yes, chenle is chenle and renjun loves chenle, but renjun _loves_ being renjun. he loves being renjun because renjun isn’t renjun without chenle and jisung and donghyuck and jaemin and mark and, of course, jeno. he loves being renjun because no one else in the entire universe could ever be so happy, not without his beloved dream team who far surpass the restrictive bindings of renjun’s tattered journal. he loves being renjun because there is nothing in the world quite like being yourself and loving the way it feels to be you—and god, does he ever.

he never would have gotten there without them, without his dreamers, without the boys that push him to be better than he believes himself to be. he loves them and he loves _him_ , and once he knows that just as he knows jeno is stupidly selfless and donghyuck is sensitive under all those sarcastic barriers and jisung is a crybaby even though he pretends to be strong, he can’t even remember what it felt like to remind himself to be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! there isn't much to this, but i'm grateful to you for taking the time to look it over. feel free to message me if you want to talk about it~
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/starlelette) | [cc](https://curiouscat.me/starlelette)


End file.
